Girlfriend >Wife > Girlfriend to another man> Vixen> Hotwife > ?

[Phun Times 727]

So following a year of an extra marital relationship with another male, my wife and I are discovering we may have an interest in further exploring the hotwife lifestyle. For the last 9 months or so we have been getting very close with a friend of hers that is a long time hotwife. My wife has known her for several years but only in the last year discovered this common ground they share. This friendship has been very valuable to us in dealing with our feelings and gaining knowledge of the lifestyle. We have flirted with it and done some fun "games" like the hotwife challenge where the woman does certain challenges that put her in awkwardly sexual without sex (or with) situations. Its mostly being overtly flirty with men in situations that iy is not warranted like answering door for a delivery in shear lingerie etc. It can escalate and be more like go to a club, when a man hits on you feel him up or offer to blow him on premise or see if he can get a friend to join. Crazy ...... but innocent enough unless you take it to the extreme. She never made physical contact with any men but did do some flirty stuff that went nowhere.

We both currently have been in deep conversations with my wife's hotwife friend about understanding the option and how we can both enjoy it. This is a scary crossroad and having a coach is a tremendous help. A year ago this was not a possibility, for either of us, but certainly not for my wife. It has taken some time for her to process and become comfortable in her sexuality beyond our marriage. It was never her idea, it was all mine, but she is there. She has become comfortable having mostly uninhibited sex with myself and her lover at the same time and solo and talking about it and discussing what she likes. She isn't currently ready to have sex with multiple partners or anything like that, and may never be. She is open to talking about it though. She is also open to watching her HF friend with her bulls. In fact we both have gone to her friends weekend events. She has weekends where she invites a few of her bulls that she normally sees solo to all come over and spend the weekend. Over the course of the weekend she has sex with all of them one at a time, two at a time and more at a time etc . We have only observed. Right now she is open to discussion of "maybe" getting to third base a few times before trying anything intercourse wise. I am open to trying some new things. Based on discussions with her HF friend it could unlock some new levels in our relationship, sexually and otherwise. I am learning there is a much deeper thing going on other than just watching my wife having sex (which I already enjoy).

Her HF friend has strongly suggested we spend the time to fully understand everything going in and discuss everything and lay out the ground rules, consent, limits, feelings and communication. We have done pretty well with all of that in our current situation with her one lover but this is a large commitment.

 

[Phun Times 727]

The roles of relationship, love and sex

Her HF friend has strongly suggested we spend the time to fully understand the roles everyone plays. She is not in favor of my wife's relationship with her boyfriend as it does not fit this model and is messing with my wife's mindset in that she has two situations that encompass love, relationship and sex, maybe not is same ration as her marriage but close enough to create problems long term. Strange as we have made it one year like this already.

Roles need to be clearly defined and separate with possible overlap.

Relationship: Who is the person in your life that provides the companionship and security role in a relationship? This is the "call in case of emergency" person. It is the person you share a household with. eat your meals with,sign contracts with and generally have as your primary relationship, your spouse in most cases.

Love: Who is the person you share your heart with? Every free thought in your mind defaults to them. You have serious emotional ties with this person. When you receive flowers, you know without doubt who it came from.

Sex: Who is the person you fulfill your primal sex need with?

The roles can overlap and in a lot of cases do but they are not required to overlap and can be exclusive. For the hotwife role it has been advised to define very specific roles. In the words of our coach, bulls are only for sex , you do not hang out or become friends with them. She also follows up with her personal preference, sex is only for bulls, but that is her life choice.

For me I need to rethink what I am there for during her encounters. Obviously if I am participating I have a physical role but if not what is my role/goal? The caveman in me is horny and gets off on it but I also like to see my wife truly let go and enjoy herself. I need to also prepare myself for a bit of her sexual independence from our marital sex as she starts to explore sex for her. I may or may not be a part of it and that has been an area I have tried to get my comfort with.

Everyone has a stop point and it is almost a guarantee that husband and wife do not line up exactly on where their stop point is.

Our HW coach told us that in order to really commit to things we should abstain from sex with each other and if possible from masturbation for 30 days prior to making any decisions or moves in order to let the mind and body have the freedom to explore new ideas.

 

[Phun Times 727]

We have been planning this since roughly the beginning of the year, which is also the time my wife discovered her boyfriend started to see someone. It was bound to happen. Last Thanksgiving we had to do some level setting with him as the relationship had peaked and was not going to go any further commitment wise. She is married and going to remain married and will not be meeting his family or be a full time girlfriend. This more or less forced him into the role of just being a sex partner. He is young and wants a girlfriend. It sounds like he found one. My wife has continued to meet with him only once a week and the three of us have only met up 3 times this year. It has been very different. He is much more assertive/dominant, my wife has actually enjoyed this whereas I have just gone along with it and mostly watching. I figure it will eventually die down as he gets more into his new relationship.

That sort of but not entirely has moved us to a point of looking at the lifestyle much more seriously. and really dig into our research and planning stage. It is 3/14 and we are two full weeks in from our official start day of 3/1 for abstinence per our HW friend. I guess I am on board with why we are abstaining. maybe. It has not been easy but we have figured out ways to handle it as far as sex goes as we can hold each other to it, masturbation is tougher as that happens solo and when the time is right. So far I have not slipped and she insists she has not either.

 

[coastalkid]

Wow! At the very beginning of following you I thought you were crazy. Later on as I've been following you convinced me that you were not. Now all this talk about roles, ground rules, consent, limits, feelings and communication has me viewing you in whole new light altogether. It's been an amazing year of transition!

There are definitely some dynamics that seem unavoidable like having a "regular" bf friend and the comfort of an emotional connection. They seem to fall into two distinct results, 1) The emotional and sexual bond grows with the bf and the wife leaves for greener pastures, or, 2) The emotional and sexual bond grows to the point where it is obviously a threat to the marriage and pain is involved in limiting that growth.

I think if you can really do as you say and really dig into the research and planning you will be much more satisfied. I know it's impossible to plan for any and all outcomes but you should open your mind to as many possibilities as you can imagine.

I do wonder if abstaining from sex will keep you in your "clearest" mind. There's a lot mentioned about "post orgasm clarity" and the things people wouldn't have done if they hadn't been horny. That could be a factor in your planning and research that may affect things.

 

[coastalkid]

I am getting a bit of a laugh regarding the abstaining advice, not the idea itself but rather from the source. I'm not arguing with the premise. I can see how it would help with focusing. I'm just wondering when the last time your wife's friend ever went a month without sex for any reason? If ever there was an example of "Easy advice to give but hard to follow" this would be a prime one.

 

[Phun Times 727]

I am getting a bit of a laugh regarding the abstaining advice, not the idea itself but rather from the source. I'm not arguing with the premise. I can see how it would help with focusing. I'm just wondering when the last time your wife's friend ever went a month without sex for any reason? If ever there was an example of "Easy advice to give but hard to follow" this would be a prime one.

I agree with you and offer you what I have been given as advice from our hotwife. For a couple of weeks we will likely be looking to scratch the itch and hopefully get over the hurdle as we get more at ease with the situation. So my wife and her BF have been scaled way back since beginning of the year, getting together at most once a week and not at all this month. I realize we are only 2 weeks in to march but her last time going over there was 2 days before Valentines day so it has been a month. He is seeing someone now and that has really impacted the situation on top of my wife being a little more guarded to him after he really pushed the relationship portion hard. Not gonna lie, he has been a bit of prick lately. I'd be OK with that just ending but not something I would insist on or anything like that.
The goal of clear decision making is somewhat tainted with building horniness but we are hoping that the clarity helps us. Mind you, at this point I believe we are on the same page that we are going to explore next steps, not written in stone, but it feels that way from our talks.

 

[coastalkid]

Inevitably the bf situation will come to a point where the emotional connection needs to be revisited and that the expectations that were initially established have not changed. It is to your credit that that you have been able to reach this point in your hotwife journey. You've avoided any critical errors and now the "first" bf that that you both on your feet has come to a natural conclusion.

In spite of the bf "seeing" someone else, I guess that the bf's "prickish" attitude comes from his disappointment. He probably has created this image of what a life with her would be like. She's attractive. She loves sex. She is fun to be around. He wants what you want but not in the way you want it. He wants it the way he has it, just more.

It should make for some amazing and productive discussions for you and your wife. Her experience with her bf was good enough for her to gain some perspective. She can now determine if that good experience was only due to that specific bf or if it was more about her thrill and personal pleasure from her departure from standard monogamy. You also have some great things to share about and reaffirm in regard to what you get out of it and why you like it. It will also be a good time to for you to truly be brutally honest about what prompts your insecurities or displeasure and when and why they occur.

I'd love to know more about the discussions you have with your wife while you abstain. Thanks for your posts! I enjoy our dialogue.

 

[Phun Times 727]

We have spent ample time dissecting what the last year has meant for both of us and as a couple. The BF really fumbled, he had it all going his way for a very long time and then he pushed a little too much and she was done with it as a relationship. Frankly I was a bit surprised she has continued in the current capacity as it is not her personality. She is in and she is out, not much for in between. With our talks of defining roles she did indicate he could fulfill the role of strictly a bull and that has kind of been what has been happening but his attitude has changed. He really tries to play the alpha role if the 3 of us are together and when I am not there he has been very dominant almost to the point of being disrespectful with my wife. I understand what the situation is and by condoning this for this long, or rather creating an environment where it flourished, is on me. I can either call for an end or let it fizzle on its own, which is what seems to be happening. By not ending it I am less of the bad guy. I really wasn't sure if it fizzling would close this chapter in our lives or not. I knew for certain that ending it would cause resentment problems.

Our discussions have been less sex talk as we are trying to avoid get really horned up at the moment but more emotions and feeling based talks. At the end of the day it isn't about what positions we checked off a bucket list but rather how we felt about it, as that is what remains with us.

As far as what I get out of it, that was largely a 2024 thing. I pushed hard for this, well not exactly this but something along these lines and my wife made it happen. I did a lot of things I only dreamt of and saw things I still have in my head. Most of it was amazing. If there are things she wants to happen now I need to be willing to listen. A lot centers around her comfort level as a desirable woman that is in touch with her sexual self, but balancing that with what she has been taught her entire life. Comfort means only pushing those boundaries so far at a given time. She may or may not go anywhere beyond where we are now, or she might. Either way I will respect her wishes and not allow my feelings to push too far or restrict too much. Two people are going to have different comfort levels with where things can go to. Limits can also change with time. We really want to start at the same place and be comfortable going only as far as we choose to go as a couple. I know this all likely sounds crazy, its just sex right? But it isn't when you factor marriage in to it.

 

[Phun Times 727]

In relation to discussions, we have done a lot of talking. There are conflicting thoughts that run through both of our heads as you might imagine. One of the issues has been her guilt/self consciousness associated with having a desire for sex simply for the purpose of sex, not adding to a relationship or love, but still having the desire. In our talks with each other and our HW friend it is somewhat normal and is not something she will likely overcome right away, as such she needs to take things slow, if at all. I really have to tone done my expectations and not be too anxious.

As crazy as abstinence may have seemed I do think we are learning some control and how to maneuver in this area of being physically ready but requiring some self discipline that frankly over the last year we simply had not used at all.

On the flip side I am not without my own nerves about this possible next step. I say possible despite us being 3 months in on planning, two weeks in on abstinence, two weeks away from a date. It could potentially go a number of different routes and I have said from the beginning I cannot only be supportive of her if it is going exactly as I had planned. That is a tough one. She is uncertain of exactly where she might go with things. I can't just forse her one route or the other based on my personal preferences. I have to understand and accept if things go nowhere or a different route or exactly what i would want, all have to be equal.

 

[sri65]

Interesting analysis....in our case we never over thought any of this. Her lovers were always married men out to get lucky. Worked out very well for us and there was never a fear of love getting in the way of sex. But, I guess you guys are playing it very safe.....good luck and all the best. It's great to be in this lifestyle, no regrets so far.

 

[coastalkid]

In relation to discussions, we have done a lot of talking. There are conflicting thoughts that run through both of our heads as you might imagine. One of the issues has been her guilt/self consciousness associated with having a desire for sex simply for the purpose of sex, not adding to a relationship or love, but still having the desire. In our talks with each other and our HW friend it is somewhat normal and is not something she will likely overcome right away, as such she needs to take things slow, if at all. I really have to tone done my expectations and not be too anxious.

As crazy as abstinence may have seemed I do think we are learning some control and how to maneuver in this area of being physically ready but requiring some self discipline that frankly over the last year we simply had not used at all.

On the flip side I am not without my own nerves about this possible next step. I say possible despite us being 3 months in on planning, two weeks in on abstinence, two weeks away from a date. It could potentially go a number of different routes and I have said from the beginning I cannot only be supportive of her if it is going exactly as I had planned. That is a tough one. She is uncertain of exactly where she might go with things. I can't just forse her one route or the other based on my personal preferences. I have to understand and accept if things go nowhere or a different route or exactly what i would want, all have to be equal.

Is there anything that stands out that you didn't know before that has come from your discussions?

 

[Phun Times 727]

Is there anything that stands out that you didn't know before that has come from your discussions?

Yes actually, several things were surprising.

1. Continuation. From talks last year it almost seemed that if things with her BF fizzled we were likely done with this.

2. Dominance. Since last Thanksgivings blowup she has been in a different place with the BF. He has been very aggressive and dominant. I didn't think she would tolerate it much less be into it.

3. Time commitment. Last year we spent way too much time with her BF and half of that was driving 2 hours both directions. If we explore the hotwife options it would be at her HW friends ranch in Sarasota, another 2 hour drive. I didn't think either of us would agree to such a long drive again.

4. Physical self consciousness. Due to above time restraints we both made sacrifices with our workouts and got a little flabby. Since the beginning of this year she has been hitting the gym with a new found enthusiasm. I suspect she will be going hard back into cycling especially now that she found out one of her riding friends is a hotwife and they can talk shop.

5. Sexual self consciousness. She does not want to be thought of as being slutty by myself or our friends (and on a deeper level-herself). Despite me seeing her do every possible position within our encounters she doesn't want that to impact how I look at her. She does want to explore new things but she has a pace at which she is comfortable.

6. Independence. When our friend became single and reached out to her (almost immediately) she set up a date, didn't even ask if it was still on the table from a year ago. Not sure statute of limitations applies but that was something we tried a year ago and deemed it would not work. Not that he is single, sounds like it works.

7. Hotwife. With some long discussions with her friend she has determined that there are certain things she would be willing/wanting to try, even if not right away.

8. Voyeur . She likes when I watch, she also likes to watch, If we watch old footage what she enjoys is if I am in the shot watching or preferably jerking off watching. She also likes to see herself blowing me from pre BF days.

 

[coastalkid]

#6 seems like it could be difficult especially when added to the vagueness of #7. Overall, it has to feel good to have a greater understanding of where you both find yourself on your journey.

 

[Phun Times 727]

#6 seems like it could be difficult especially when added to the vagueness of #7. Overall, it has to feel good to have a greater understanding of where you both find yourself on your journey.

Well when I say independence I guess I should state it is more of a take charge thing. She is more willing to make decisions vs having to discuss every aspect with me before committing to something. In this case our friend who was our first choice last year who then became a non viable option due to his GF. They broke up recently and from what my wife said he text her virtually immediately. She took that to mean it has been on his mind since then. When I talked to her about it she already knew and told me we have a date set up. Cool by me but she never asked. I mean I did greenlight a year ago but...

As far as #7 goes, it is the least well defined aspect by far at this point. When she knows I am told I'll know. There is a huge array of possible situations and I really have little defined at this point.

 

[coastalkid]

Well when I say independence I guess I should state it is more of a take charge thing. She is more willing to make decisions vs having to discuss every aspect with me before committing to something. In this case our friend who was our first choice last year who then became a non viable option due to his GF. They broke up recently and from what my wife said he text her virtually immediately. She took that to mean it has been on his mind since then. When I talked to her about it she already knew and told me we have a date set up. Cool by me but she never asked. I mean I did greenlight a year ago but...

As far as #7 goes, it is the least well defined aspect by far at this point. When she knows I am told I'll know. There is a huge array of possible situations and I really have little defined at this point.

Well, it's a work in progress and you have a good foundation of being able to discuss things. I have faith that you'll come out happy in the long run.

 

[Phun Times 727]

Our upcoming date really has my wife prepping. Aside from the daily 1-2 hour gym sessions she has been shopping for numerous outfits, shoes, boots, lingerie etc. She has appointments set for hair,nails/pedi, wax and professional make up. We have a hell of a night planned evidently. She is ordering a dress or two and asked for input by sending me these. Now these are not at all what she would normally be caught dead in out in public, and I questioned it. In her words this is an exception and and she is looking to play a role that night and wardrobe is part of the equation.

Firstly, they are all dresses, not lingerie. I though for sure 1 & 2 were lingerie. I was wrong. 3 looks like a cover up for the pool, it isn't apparently. Number 5 seems more like hooker wear IMO. Not surprising the store is called Elegant Stripper. I personally like 4 & 6 but could see 3 working as long as you wear the right underwear or don't forget to wear underwear at all.